Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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