So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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