Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
