Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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