I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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