Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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