She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
