Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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