i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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