remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
