Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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