By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
