What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i drank out of a bidet.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
