Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
