Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
