You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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