It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
