I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
