So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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