My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
