Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
the day after is always just damage control
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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