Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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