now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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