Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
