FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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