I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
