No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
