you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
