Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
