And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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