So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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