I must be too annoying 4 u.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
