foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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