I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
