Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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