who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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