Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
