we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
