I murdered the dance floor call the cops
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
