Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
