this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
