That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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