I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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