I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
