I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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