final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
whose ass print is on the piano?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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