Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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