When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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