I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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