Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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