my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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