She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize