she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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