Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
