It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
