My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize