just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
