Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
