question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
