I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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