I intend to get homeless drunk
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
